In his memoir U and I

Nicholson Baker climbs into nether regions

He writes a book about John Updike

A confession about all of Updike’s books

That he either has or has not read

Baker even goes so far as to provide lists of each

(A sizable number in the has not read category)

I figure I should be able to do the same

The difference between Baker and me being

That since Updike has written well over 50 books

And since space is an issue

I will simply list those I have read

Here goes

Of the Farm, The Rabbit quartet, Roget’s Version,

Self-consciousness, Odd Jobs, Picked-up Pieces

And the articles and stories he has written in the last few years

For The New Yorker

Now here’s a list of Updike books I have tried to read

Couples, S, Bech: A Book, A Month of Sundays

And a lot of book reviews for TNY

All dropped for essentially the same reason: boredom

Or lack of interest in the subject

Subtracting 9 I have read

From the 53 or so Updike has published

Leaving 44 or so I have not read

Or tried to read

Or just am not going to read

The best of the ones I have read

Being The Rabbit quartet, Roget’s Version, and

Self-consciousness

The worst being Couples, S, Bech: A Book, and A Month of Sundays

I have a policy about reading an author’s work

I will go from 10 to 50 pages

If it’s still boring or just not interesting

I drop it or dump it at the used bookstore

Of those I have read or tried to read

Approximately every other Updike book has been boring or bad

Thus, when I see one of his books for sale

I approach it very gingerly

Sorry John

You have still made a profit off me

To say nothing of the amount of time

I have spent looking up words in the dictionary

That is because (I guess)

I did not go to Harvard U.

TOM BOURNE is a Southern California poet whose writings have been published in Autographs, The Los Angeles Times, Horizon and The LA Reader.

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